I don’t know who I am.
I mean, I do. I know SOME things. Bits and pieces, like I love Jesus, and my children beyond all understanding and reason. I love baking cupcakes and Disneyland and putting my toes in the ocean. I love random dance parties in the kitchen, surprise guests at my house and gardening. I cry when people are nice to other people, I always keep change for homeless people and love to sing.
But there are holes in the puzzle of my life.
One by one, I let other people take pieces of my puzzle. Believed them when they told me I was too big. Or too old. Or too uneducated. Or too smart. Or too loud.
I let boyfriends take pieces until I fit who they wanted me to be. I let “friends” put pieces in the wrong way until I could “fit in” with them.
I even threw out pieces of myownself to try and be a part of something I wanted to belong to. Or to try and be someone I thought I should be.
So now, in my late 30’s, I have holes where I should have definition. I have big question marks in parts of my life.
What am I supposed to be doing? Is this me or is this something I THINK I should be doing? Am I copying someone else because I think THEY know what they’re doing? Am I trying to be someone else, again?
I need to make sure that, BEFORE I get too far down a path, that it’s right. That I’m not just following someone else because they look like they’ve got it together and I want to get it together too.
I have to make sure I’m going the right direction. The one that’s meant for me.
I may not know what that looks like right now, but I know that the journey to finding myself is the biggest adventure of all.
So here’s the 5 steps I am taking on the road to finding my Self:
1. Keep seeing my therapist and keep going to church.
My therapist is a godsend. I only see her 2x a month, but she saves my sanity. She guides me to the answers I knew all along.
My church keeps me grounded. Plus, I get to play with the kids sometimes, and that always makes me feel better because they don’t care that I didn’t get the big gig I was trying for, they pet my unicorn hair and tell me I’m magical.
Because I totally am.
2. Keep speaking my truth. Even if it hurts me.
I have to keep telling the truth all the time, because if I keep trying to bury my Self in bravado and lies and BIG DRAMATIC STORIES, then I will never find my way. I will drown in a sea of uncertainty and half-truths and nobody will ever see who I really am.
Then keep reading. Read books by people who have Been Through It. People have traveled the unknown roads trying to find who they are for all time. Learn from those who have come before me.
And believe them.
It may not look like much, but paying my bills and keeping them current is the biggest form of self care I can do for myself. (This article makes some amazing points on why paying bills is important self care!)
I have not been great at taking care of myself, because I have been taking care of others or obsessing about stuff that really REALLY DOESN’T FREAKING MATTER.
Picking my battles is another form of self-care, which leads to number 5…
5. Let it go.
I’ve been so angry about so many different things for so long that it’s affected big parts of my life. My muggle job. My friendships (or lack thereof). My dating life (which is a complete desert and has been for years).
It’s exhausting to be this mad all.the.time. I just want to be a whole person by myself and I feel like being angry just fractures me.
I’ve got some tools in my toolbox I’ve been using to cope, but I think it’s time to up my game and not just cope but THRIVE.