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Mia Cupcake

Maker of Beautiful, Colorful Things

parenting

Am I Not A “Real Mom”?

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The mom sitting on the bench at the park was trying to make small talk with me, and I don’t know how to make small talk. I was telling her about my schedule with my kids, where one of them is now in college and living in the dorms and the other I see every other weekend and Friday nights.

She brushed an invisible piece of dirt off her spotless jeans, rubbed the toe of one of her TOMS on the back of her calf and peered at me over the top of her sunglasses. “Oh,” she said,” so you’re not a real mom.”

Y’all, I literally was speechless, barely able to open my mouth and shut it several times like a goldfish. I am a super verbose person and could not come up with a single thing to say.  I nearly burst into tears.

She had managed to find the one thing I’m sensitive about in a 45 second conversation and poke the wound.

See, I have told myself on several very sad occasions that same thing…that I’m Not A Real Mom.

I didn’t get to take both kids to their first day of school every year, because I had to work or the other parent took them. I missed Halloween a couple of times. I’ve spent Thanksgiving all by myself twice. I have spent Christmas Eve a few times lying under the tree looking up at the lights and trying to have a merry little Christmas all by myself (while crying). There have been several occasions where going out with friends and their kids was too much for me because I didn’t have my kids and I had to cancel (and hide in my bed). I’ve watched people taking their kids to events or to school or soccer or gymnastics or on vacation and I wish so badly I could do the same.

I question my title as a mother every damned day.

Yes, I have children. Yes, I am a single mom. Yes, I only see one kid 1% of the time that I want to. Yes, my son moved out of my house to pursue his dreams. Yes I am alone a LOT for a mom. (Yes, I am absolutely crying while I write this.)

Yes, this has all been (mostly) my choice and yes, this is the best choice for my children.

Just because they don’t spend every single waking moment with me does not make me any less of a mom. Wolfgang is living his best life in the dorms right now, and the little is thriving under the arrangement their dad and I currently have.

How dare you, lady at the park. I’m every bit a mom, even if my gig is part-time. You can take your mom shaming and shove it.

Gearing Up My Kitchen with Goodwill

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This is a sponsored post written in partnership with Goodwill of the Olympics & Rainier Region.

I’ve been thrift shopping in one form or another as long as I can remember. Garage sales, antique stores, estate sales, thrift shops – I spent a large amount of my childhood in all of them.

My grandfather was a “junker”, long before Magnolia or “shabby chic” was a thing, and he ruled the garage sales of Thurston County, Washington. He would buy pieces and clean them or fix them and flip them for extra money, so when my brother and I visited our grandparents, we got to help polish silver or replace hands on a clock or check out what he was developing in his darkroom (he was an avid photographer and fixed a lot of cameras too).

Grandpa taught us a lot of things, like when to plant sweet peas (around Presidents’ Day, even if the ground is frozen), how to “properly” root for football (quietly, without cursing and always for Washington State) and what to look for at garage sales, thrift shops and antique stores.

The thrift shop training has come in handy often in my life, as I love to save money and I LOVE a good deal. So when I needed to outfit my kitchen after my big breakup a few years ago, I turn to my friends at Goodwill.

(Note: I shop a lot at Goodwill because the selection is great, the people are amazing, and I believe in the programs they have. More than 87 percent of the collective revenue from the sale of donated goods at Goodwill organizations supports and grows their critical community-based programs and services.)

The kitchen aisles at Goodwill are packed full of items and it can get overwhelming. (It’s all super neatly organized, but there’s just so much!) I’ve gone looking for plates and come home with 3 tablecloths, 8 unmatched napkins and a set of 12 forks.

There’s a lot going on in the Goodwill, but you can do this! You just need to be prepared.

I can absolutely help you with that!

Five Pro Tips to Get The Best Kitchen Gear at Goodwill

  1. Go with a plan…. Know what you want when you go in. Are you looking for saucepans? Go to that section first. Need dishes? Check out the neat stacks on those shelves. Stay focused and get what you need!
  2. ….but be prepared to abandon it if the circumstances call for it. They don’t have saucepans or dishes that fit your needs? Make sure to check out the linens, as everyone should have one nice tablecloth. Need coffee mugs but they’re all have Garfield on them? Check out the flatware! If you can’t find what you need, see what else is out there.
  3. Put the pieces you’re interested in into your cart, and weed out later. If you leave it on the shelves, someone else can snatch it while you’re contemplating. You can always put things back, but they frown upon taking things out of other people’s carts. Just make sure you pare down BEFORE you get in the checkout line – and be kind and put things back where they belong!
  4. Check every inch of the piece. Check for chips and cracks on pottery and ceramics. Check pie tins and springform pans for rust…and remember rust is OK on cast iron (you can clean it). For electronics, they often have a plug you can use to make sure that it is functional. Check the nonstick lining on pans to make sure it’s not flaking.
  5. Know their worth. Take your smartphone and check similar pieces on eBay or Amazon. Make sure you’re looking at comparable pieces – don’t try and compare the price of a 10″ skillet to a 6 quart stockpot,right?

You can get some amazing deals on great kitchen items at Goodwill! I’ve picked up some of the following during my treks to my favorite thrift store (not all in the same trip!):

  • an antique silver serving tray
  • a brand new steamer basket
  • a set of Pottery Barn square plates
  • a brand new FoodSaver
  • all the canning jars one mom could handle for a whole canning season
  • a whole set of drinking glasses
  • a set of sterling silver flatware for 12
  • 4 tablecloths and matching napkins

What I’m trying to get at is Goodwill is an amazing place to stock up on kitchenware, even if you’re not on a budget. You just have to keep an eye out and know what you’re doing!

Have you ever found your “come up” at Goodwill?

The Goodwill of the Olympics and Rainier Region has some incredible outreach opportunities, with 30+ programs to help people get prepared to enter the work force. From barista training to warehouse management, the Milgard Work Opportunity Center in Tacoma is packed with so much to help the community; check out the post where we got the chance to tour it last year!

Much love to my friends at Goodwill!

High School Graduation, by the Numbers

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Wolfgang’s high school graduation has turned into a series of numbers, and a lot of counting. The ceremony is on Saturday, and I am tearing up just thinking about that.

Let’s count down.

Thirteen. 13 years since we started this school journey, with that walk down the street to kindergarten that very first day. 13 years since his put his hands on his face and said “Don’t worry mommy. The teacher will keep me safe.” (I cried harder than any kid that first day of kindergarten.)

Thirteen years since the first day I dropped him off at Bennett Elementary School to go out into the world and learn things I could not teach him. Thirteen years since I bought him his first backpack (Transformers, if I recall correctly) and packed him a lunch in his new lunchbox.

Thirteen years of school supply lists, parent-teacher conferences, after school activities and homework-checking. Thirteen years of signing field trip permission slips and volunteering with the PTA. Thirteen years of fabulous teachers, funny mom friends and first (and last) days of school.

Twelve. Number of times I have run my hands over the sash he will wear for his graduation (just today). Number of times I have burst into tears (also, just today), thinking of what he was like as a tiny kindergartener, with his proper posture and his vast knowledge of planets.

Number of times I have gotten a lump in my throat because I don’t know what comes next, but I’m really excited to see what happens.

Eleven. How many graduation episodes of television shows I have watched to try and make myself immune to graduations altogether, so I don’t cry.

Incidentally, it is also the number of times I have failed to “inoculate” myself against the ugly crying that will inevitably happen when my baby puts on that grad gown and weird hat. (Seriously, what’s up with that hat?)

(The ones that made me cry the hardest were Rory’s 2 graduation episodes from Gilmore Girls, the ORIGINAL 90210 high school graduation and Glee. Weeping so loud, my neighbors text me to make sure I am ok. I am gonna be a hot mess at graduation, people.)

Ten. The number of times I have checked Wolfgang’s epic to-do list. Also, number of times I have texted him in the last 24 hours to remind him of his to-do list. Also, the number of times he has rolled his eyes so hard at me that I’m worried they will stick like that up inside his skull.

Probably also the number of times I’ve sighed in the past week, trying to wrangle tickets for graduation, grad party plans, whereabouts of the actual human graduating and the schedule of grad events.

Nine. The grade Wolfgang was entering when I started to panic about graduation.

It seems like a far-off dream until your baby actually STARTS HIGH SCHOOL. You have this adorable tiny human who you’ve raised and nurtured and fed and tried to not yell at when they wreck your new dress with their muddy handprints and then all of a sudden it’s a race to high school commencement ceremony and they are an adult and leaving you and yes I am crying right now, hush.

Eight. How many graduation-related posts I’ve attempted to write and had to abandon because I was crying so hard, I gave myself a headache. Number of posts I have in my drafts folder that I may have to wait until NEXT graduation season to complete.

Also, the number of pretty awesome kids who have come up to me to hug me in the past week to tell me how much they appreciate the times I’ve chaperoned a field trip, or let them text me in the middle of the night with questions about life, or took their photo for football.

The number of faces of growing adults I’ve held in my hands in the past week and said “you are so welcome, I am so proud of you” to.

Seven. Seven years of awkward band concerts, with Row Row Row your Boat played in 4 different keys and tempos. Seven years of letter grades to worry about (and for me to obsessively check online).

Seven years since I’ve been able to help Wolfgang with his math homework.

Seven years of after-school activities and clubs, of “let me do it, mom!” and trying to run his schedule on his own. Seven years of multiple teachers every year, of “which class is your 5th period?” and really confusing Back To School nights. Seven years of philosophical discussions on whether or not I should be in the PTA, and volunteering quietly for any and everything I had time for.

Six. Number of years I have done this alone, since my now-ex-fiancé and I split. Number of years I worried about how to pay for yearbooks and new shoes and new backpacks. Number of years I’ve lost sleep over how to encourage Wolfgang to do his homework (and actually hand it in).

Number of years I’ve worried I’m screwing him up, and number of years I’ve realized that he’s a good human and I’ve done ok as a mother.

Five. Five days until the graduation ceremony. Five more days of him being my “baby”, before he dons that cap and gown and shakes the principal’s hand and gets his diploma. Five more days of me ugly crying every time someone mentions graduation, or I look across the room at his cap and gown hanging.

Four. I can count the number of days we have left in high school on one hand.

Four more opportunities to pack a lunch, bundle Wolfgang up into the car and ferry him to school. Four more days to check his homework, to make sure he gets up on time, to remind him to eat breakfast. Four more days until we are done with public school.

Four more days of me yelling “HAVE A GREAT DAY I LOVE YOU, MAKE GOOD CHOICES!” like I do most mornings as he closes the door behind him. Four.

Three. Number of boxes of Kleenex I have blown through while crying in the past month, thinking of the end of all of this.

Two. Number of “waterproof” mascaras I have test-run while preparing for all of this crying. (Troublemaker mascara from Urban Decay is NOT “anything proof” like they claim…didn’t even make it through the grad episode of Gilmore girls, thankyouverymuch.)

One. One more “last” event, a choir concert. One more event before graduation for me to embarrass Wolfgang thoroughly with my sobbing in public. One more choir concert. One more “senior recognition”. One more award ceremony, one more band picnic, just one more.

Countless. Number of memories I have of my baby. Of the time he corrected his kindergarten teacher (who had hung the solar system incorrectly). Of the first time I heard him sing on stage (playing Lumiere in Beauty and the Beast). Of all of the plays, the band concerts, the football and soccer games, the homework.

I am so incredibly proud of my son, of everything he’s done. I’m excited to watch him get his diploma this weekend and see where life will take him.

 

 

Yes, I Think It’s Too Soon For You To Date.

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I have been single now for just shy of 6 years.

Single for me means that I haven’t even gone on a single date. Well, there was one outing, and I thought I was pretty clear up front about how it ABSOLUTELY was NOT a date. Apparently the words “just to be clear, this is absolutely not a date” were confusing, because this dude totally thought it was a date.

I did kiss that one guy at a hotel in California, but that’s been the most “action” I’ve seen since becoming “un-engaged”.

Anyway.

My engagement ended 6 years ago in a giant ball of fiery glory, so you can imagine I wasn’t horribly eager to jump into another so soon…and it took a long time for me to properly heal my broken heart and find who I was.

At first, it was not a conscious choice for me to not date, as I think men can smell fear and desperation and I tried really hard. Then I realized that I needed to find myself, to get to know who I was so when (if that is God’s plan) some gentleman decides he wants to pair up with me, I don’t change who I am to please that man.

Lately, I have been so busy doing other things, that I haven’t had the time/effort/bandwidth/desire to date at all.

But that’s not the case for every single parent I know.

Through social media, I have watched a lot of my friends uncouple and couple back up before I realize what’s happening. You have seen the scenario, where they suddenly stop talking about their husband/wife/partner and then their profile photo changes to one of them kissing someone who is obviously not the same person they were coupled to before.

And it’s usually pretty fast.

And it usually falls apart pretty quickly too.

I do have a lot of friends message me shortly after a breakup to ask me if I think it’s too soon for them to start dating again.

My answer is always “yes”.

You need to be by yourself for a little bit, especially after you’ve been married for 20+ years and don’t really know adulthood outside of being hitched to another person. Even if it’s just to breathe, find out what it’s like to sleep in the bed alone and figure out who you are when you’re not seen through the lens of your now-ex-husband/wife/partner.

You have to be YOU for a while before you run off again to be a “we”. When you’re recovering from a breakup, that can take some time. ESPECIALLY if you were in the relationship for a long time.

People are so anxious to hook back up with someone because they’re uncomfortable being alone, I TOTALLY GET IT. I have had days where it’s hard for me to admit that I’m single. It’s hard to sit by myself at the movie theatre, or walk down the street alone or really go anywhere by myself sometimes.

But I’m doing it. I spent a lot of time shedding the labels I let my boyfriends or my teachers or my friends put on me so I could figure out who I really was, and I could not have done that while I was dating other people.

So yes, I think it’s too soon for you to date, just months after your relationship has dissolved.

You will know when it’s right, but please do not try and convince yourself that you are ready when you are not.

How To Celebrate Mother’s Day When You’re a Single Mom

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Holidays as a single mum are hard, no matter which way you slice it.  You can get extended family involved, but when it all boils down to it: all the planning, the paying and the execution are solely on your shoulders.

It can be a bummer, I totally understand.  2/3 of the Mothers’ Days I have celebrated as a mom have been as a single mom. It’s hard some days!

But, as with all things, you get to choose how to handle it. You can choose to be angry about your situation and sulk, or you can choose to make the best of it.

There’s no reason why you should skip Mother’s Day if you choose to celebrate (and opting out is totally fine as well!).

You can do this!

Here’s a couple of tips to help you make Mothers Day great!

* Get your kids involved. Depending on their ages, your kiddos can handle making breakfast, or cleaning the kitchen or the bathroom or if they’re older, they can even manage your smalls while you go to a movie!

* Keep it simple. We don’t need huge parades of gifts and lavish things showered upon us (every mom DESERVES that, but it’s ok if we don’t get it!). If my kids make me a card and give me an hour by myself (without questions) in my office to work on my calligraphy or my painting, I’m happy with that.

* Pair up with another (or 3 or 4!) single mom(s). Working together to make a Mothers Day great for everyone is fulfilling and beautiful. Plan a picnic. If you’ve got older kids, pool all the kids together and have the older ones watch the littles while the moms go get pedicures or go to the movies or have a meal at a restaurant with nobody yelling or asking you to cut the meat or making gagging noises. (The babysitting can be the older kids’ gift to you.)

* Get it pre-made (or go out for it). Even if you’re just getting pizza, it’s a meal you didn’t have to make. Buy one of those meal kits at the store that you just need to heat up (bonus points if the kids can heat it up themselves)! Make Mothers’ Day low impact for yourself.

* Don’t compare. Zero good things come from saying “but Mary got blah blah blah for Mothers’ Day and I only got xxxx.” Mary is not you (unless your name is actually Mary, then I’m talking about a different Mary). You are not Mary. Comparing your situation to Mary’s is like comparing that one time you did karaoke to that guy who sings showtunes at the local supermarket while he shops. They both have their benefits, but they’re totally different situations.

When push comes to shove, yes you have to make your own Mothers Day, but that doesn’t mean you cannot make it awesome.

Love to all of my single moms out there this Mothers Day!