I’ve been binge-watching….but it’s not what you think.
I’ve been watching Moana on repeat for weeks now.
The first time I saw this movie was with my Platonic Man Movie Date Friend Guy, Kyle at a press screening. Poor Kyle. I sobbed all over his shirt. I was a hot mess. I got home to try and write my review, and my notes were so tear-stained, I could barely make out any of my writing.
Destroyed by a kid’s movie.
But now, I’ve seen this movie enough times that I can do Gramma Tala’s hula she dances with the sting rays, I can sing Shiny (with some pretty amazing choreography..I even have a hat) like nobody’s business. I can do the haka that Maui does when he opens the gate to the Realm of Monsters, I gasp every.single.time Moana gets stuck in the reef.
And I still cry. Every time. Every time Moana bangs the drum instead of placing her rock on the mountain. Every time she whoops out “WE WERE VOYAGERS!” When gramma goes to be with the stingrays. When Moana decides to go back home, without returning the heart of Te Fiti.
Don’t get me started on the ending. This article puts most of it into words for me.
I am Moana, stuck on the island and wanting to journey beyond the reef because I know there’s something out there.
I’ve built a life on my little island. Everyone I know is on this island. It’s safe. It’s warm. It’s mostly protected.
My island has a comfortable couch. And streaming video. And a window to the world called The Internet, where I can watch everyone else live big amazing lives while I live my small tiny life. I don’t put anyone or anything at risk staying on my island.
I am the queen of my island.
But my island also boring as hell and the line where the sky meets the sea….it calls me.
It makes me jump off my comfortable island and do things like go sea kayaking. Or enter my knitting in the county fair. Or ask a man out on a date. Or do anything other than stay in my house with the blinds drawn.
The reef is scary and I’ve tried to go beyond it and I’ve been slammed HARD back into the sand every time. I don’t know how to get beyond the reef.
I know what lies beyond is bigger and more beautiful than anything I could live with on my island… and the longer I stay here, the more difficult it is to sail beyond the reef.
I just don’t know how to get beyond the reef without completely destroying everything (again). And I was not built to stay on the island.
So while I am Moana, I am also Te Ka.
I let someone steal the heart from inside me, and I spent a lot of time burning almost everything I touched. I was destructive. I created a big wall to keep people away from me.
I am still a bit of a hot mess, but at least I’m not setting things on fire on purpose anymore.
Moana is one big metaphor for me, and may always make me cry.
I harbor a desperate need to journey beyond my comfort zone to find out who I am and return my heart.