I am the queen of self-flagellation sometimes. I am the first to criticize myself, and the last woman standing in the battle for my self-worth.
I am working on recognizing when I do that. Saying “thank you!” when someone compliments me instead of saying “but my hair is a mess” or “well, the house is clean NOW…” Looking in the mirror and winking at myself and saying “good morning gorgeous!” instead of “oh dear lord, it’s the Swamp Thing.”
Speaking kindness over myself, even when it feels like everything is crumbling and it’s all my fault.
It’s never all my fault.
But I can swing to the other side, too.
I used to overindulge. (See: my pants size, my messy storage shed, my Target obsession and the piles of clothes in my bedroom I’m trying to sort/konmari/get rid of)
I used to overindulge on overindulging.
I’ve made myself sick in the past with too much food at once. I’ve sunburned myself countless times laying out by pools. I used to smoke and drink and all the excess things, once upon a long time ago.
But I need to find a sweet spot.
A middle ground, where I am caring for my Self in a way that nurtures my soul. That feeds that part of me that gets whittled down to a nub with my “muggle job” and running the kids around and trying to balance the checkbook and keep the lights on and still have time for other pursuits.
A self-care routine that isn’t me lolling in the bathtub doing nothing for hours every day, but also is cemented into my schedule and an unmovable appointment I have with myself.
I need to put myself first (or at least at the top of the heap) instead of dead last after everything else is wrung out of my day. Find the Thing that fills my cup so I can continue on and continue to support others (and still support myself).
I need to remember that I AM a badass, but I also need to stop throwing myself giant Mardi Gras parades about it.
Time to get off the self-flagellation/self-indulgent seesaw and find a healthy level of hedonism.
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