The internet seems to be all a flutter about People’s pick for the “Sexiest Man of the Year”, Blake Shelton.
I’m horribly underwhelmed by that particular gentleman, but Twitter is absolutely roasting him, which kind of amuses me.
woke up this morning to news that blake shelton is the sexiest man alive. rip every sexy man in the world who died in the great sexy plague of 2017 overnight; u will be missed
— MATRIARCHY (@morninggloria) November 15, 2017
Crazy thought: Blake Shelton winning Sexiest Man Alive is actually People Magazine's protest against America's flawed electoral college. "Sorry guys, Accounting got 20 votes and they're really into The Voice."
— Brodie (@brodiefilm) November 16, 2017
— Kayla Rosa (@kaylaro_) November 16, 2017
(Lots of references to Jason Momoa – we will get to that in a minute.)
My friend Autumn commented on my Facebook post here, saying “…they could have put a potato on the cover instead of Blake Shelton and I would have been WAY more into it.”
I saw a comment on someone else’s Facebook post that said “he is the embodiment of the color taupe”. (that one made me laugh really hard.)
Luvvie Ajaya wrote an incredible piece (because of course she did, she’s amazing) about…well, just go over there and read it.
Oh, and here’s the cover picture in question:
I don’t look at him and say “HOLY SMOKES, HE IS SO LOVELY I JUST DIED“. That’s usually my benchmark for a sexy dude. I just shrug and say “I think I saw that dude at the grocery store this morning.”
Now I am not ragging on Mr Shelton. He’s got some issues with his insides that Luvvie also outlines in her post, (seriously, go read it) but he’s ok-looking.
(It just dawned on me: he looks like one of the dads at one of my kids’ schools. Only that dad always shows up in suits, he’s very well-groomed and he can’t sing for love nor money.)
In the interest of helping People magazine NOT screw this up next year, I give you a list of 10 gents who would be a better contender for next year’s Sexy Dude On the Cover of a Magazine I Haven’t Read Since Bedrest with my Youngest 9 Years Ago:
- Idris Elba. We listen to Macklemore’s “Dance Off” a million times in the car, just for his voice. Plus, he was in Luther and and my first blog was named after his character on The Wire and he’s just really nice to look at.
- Jason Momoa. If you don’t know, I’m not explaining this one.
- Ben Haggerty (aka Macklemore). I think brains and sass and flair and being a good dad and his thrift shopping skills are all hella sexy.
- Charlie Hunnam. DROOOOOL. Only with the long hair and the scary tattoos from Sons of Anarchy, though. (I have very specific “sexy parameters”.)
- Jason Statham. I watched The Transporter about 30 times. I could probably act out most of it, and I know precisely where to fast forward because the voice of the lady he kidnaps is a lady-boner-killer. When he covers himself in motor oil and fights people on a bus? OK THEN WE GET IT YOU ARE SEXY OK.
- The Rock. I’m not even going to link, because you know. His biceps are the size of my entire leg.
- Vincent Cassel. Don’t know if it’s because he’s French or because he was in one of my favorite movies (Le Pacte des Loups) but I just really dig this dude.
- Michael B Jordan. This one feels a little like I’m robbing the cradle saying he’s sexy, since I saw him as a fetus on All My Children and as a more-grown-up-fetus on The Wire. I cannot WAIT to see him in the Black Panther movie. YESSSSS.
- This one guy that was a backup dancer in the Elvira show we saw at Knotts Scary Farm two years ago, and I STILL have dreams about him. No clue who he is.
- Thor. Not Chris Hemsworth, though he is lovely and I like to look at him. I want Thor on the cover of People. Just Thor.
We take our People Magazine “Hot Dude” issue very seriously, obviously.
This post was written as a part of the NaBloPoMo, a daily blogging journey I am committing to in November 2017.