I didn’t want to write this post. This past weekend was definitely a mixed bag in this whole battle against my excess. Some wins, some losses, a lot of lessons to learn.
But if I’m going to be more honest with MYSELF, I have to admit to the faceless void of the internet that I slipped. I can’t just paste on a happy face and keep going.
It’s not all going to happen overnight, it’s just not. I’m going to fall down and it’s how I learn to get myself back up and remember next time I’m faced with that action/temptation/bag of chips again, how I dealt with it the last time.
So my parents came up to visit. They are perfectly fine human beings but they are my parents, so in the past I have come a little unglued when they visit. This behavior may or may not include:
- shoving some of the mess in a bedroom and shutting the door
- waking up at an ungodly hour to just freak out about my house (but not actually clean anything)
- crying about nothing
- drinking way too much coffee and eating nothing, so I’m a jittery hangry mess when they arrive
- waking up Wolfgang by yelling “THEY ARE COMING GET UP”
Saturday was VERY different from the norm. It was a no-kid weekend, so I woke up, spent some time with Duke, worked on the blog, cleaned the kid’s room to make room to get their new bed in and the old bed out, put on real clothes, did my makeup and had a leisurely cup of coffee.
Yes, my house is still mega-destroyed. Yes, I had a touch of anxiety about it, but my parents know about the whole #lessofashitshow journey. (Yeah, we have a hashtag!) They’re being super supportive and even helped me haul a few things out of the house. Their visit was rather lovely and I even got my hair cut (mom treated!).
Then Saturday night to Sunday night, I kind of broke almost all the rules.
I got my nails done. It was for a gig I’m doing this week, so I can look a little more put together than normal. Plus, it felt really nice to be able to do something a little more relaxing than normal. Broke rule one (No “want” purchases).
Rule two (At least 2 boxes from storage cleaned out every week) stayed safe – I cleaned out 2 boxes, with most of it in the trash/recycle or the “GET OUT” pile.
Rule three (Two hours of television a day on weekdays) went out the window on Sunday; I watched a movie with the Boyfriend, then a couple of episodes of Cutthroat Kitchen and My Name is Earl. I think there was 5 hours of television total, just from Sunday. Though…it does say “weekdays”. Does a binge on the weekend count? Do I need to edit that rule?
Not even going to go into how much social media was consumed. And how terrible I felt afterwards, comparing myself to my friends and the people I follow. I did unfollow about a dozen accounts that just made me feel like straight garbage. Rule four (90 minutes of social media per day), toast.
Spent most of Sunday in bed with my laptop, destroying rule 5 (Laptop does not come into the bedroom). (Don’t get titillated, The Boyfriend is still in Toronto.)
Rule six (One screen at a time) went with the phone and the television and the laptop all running at the same time for most of Saturday night and all day Sunday.
Rule seven (kitchen sink is cleaned out every night before bed) actually is the one I’ve stuck like glue to – I can go to sleep at night feeling like I’ve accomplished something. It feels good to wake up to a clean kitchen sink for some reason. I try not to question what works if it’s a healthy thing.
And that brings us to the final rule, rule eight (No soda (La Croix ok) and no fast food). I just…it pains me to tell y’all I tossed the Whole30 out the window for a fistful of fries and a fish sandwich from Fiamma Burger (which is mostly local and REALLY FREAKING TASTY).
If that were the end of it, I would be ok. I didn’t feel horrible afterwards, and I didn’t even eat all my fries. But then Sunday came. And I ate tortilla chips and guacamole because I WANTED TO. (Rule one again)
And then I stared down a pint of ice cream for about twenty minutes, with a spoon in my hand. I was going to eat the rest of it, and then head out for more snacks.
I felt myself starting to slide. I was “punishing” myself with food for screwing up with food. I almost just went to go get a burger at Wendy’s and just scrap this whole project and leave it behind and maybe just quit my blog because I was a BIG FAT FAILURE.
It got bad. But we will have to cover that in tomorrow’s post because…well, jealousy reared its ugly head and everything went further downhill.
I’ll just end it here: I’m not quitting. I’m not walking away from this disaster and hiding. If I want to be better, I can’t just quit.
Today’s protip is to be gentle with yourself when making life changes.
Ripping off all the bandaids in your life at once, then dragging skeletons out of your closet, then spreading it all out on social media and a blog is not the route for everyone. It makes for good reading, but the human behind the mess also needs gentle handling and reassurance.
You learn where your limits are really quickly. You learn what your triggers are. You learn where you hurt when people come for you.
We can do this. We can change our own lives. The changes that stick will take some time though, and we have to be patient.
Want to catch up on the journey or check it out from the beginning? Check out the hub for all things “less of a sh*tshow” here.