I think this journey is trying to injure me. If it does, I’m not going without a fight.
Day six was bad. Day seven was worse.
I spent all day Monday working from my bed. I was going to spend my breaks with the boyfriend, since it was Canadian Thanksgiving and he was home all day from work.
Then his plans changed (as they should, he had good reason) and he was unavailable until late.
And I got grumpy about it.
Instead of telling him how I felt, I started to self-sabotage. He is the sweetest, most understanding boyfriend I have ever had. He is kind and ACTUALLY LISTENS and he would have told me to get over myself (because he knows that is what I need).
Instead, I ate teriyaki. And gyozas. And turned on the television for background noise. And spent all my breaks on social media.
To be fair, I mowed my entire lawn with a half-functioning mower, did a load of laundry, cleaned my bathroom, took the trash out and put the can out for collection in the morning, and cleaned out the fridge.
But I also fell in a knee-deep hole in the lawn onto my face, broke the handle of the mower, tripped over my own feet face first into a door, tangled myself in a bedsheet and flipped myself ribs-first into my bedside table, cut my toe open on the trash can and just had a really grumpy day.
Oh, and my dishwasher stopped working. Because you know, Monday.
I wanted to take a nap. I wanted to eat everything and just hide. I did NOT want to put the lawnmower away or finish the lawn at ALL.
But I grudgingly did all of it. Finished my chores, ordered the aforementioned teriyaki…and hopped on social media.
Now the reason I have rule 4 (90 minutes of social media per day) is because I have an addiction to scrolling endlessly. I get wrapped up with other people’s lives and forget to live my real life. I compare myself to people with completely different situations, trying to figure out why I can’t live my life like some rando vegan lady in SoCal with an all white house, a perfect husband, two perfect children and a seemingly-perfect life.
I can’t live in SoCal because I melt in the heat. I can’t live in an all white house because of me and my love for color. I can’t be vegan because bacon. I don’t have a husband (yet) but my kids are perfect, so I guess 1/5 ain’t bad.
After I finished work and my chores, I scrolled. And liked. And commented. And then scrolled. And kept scrolling and scrolling, trying to soothe my angry soul.
Something stopped me dead in my tracks.
A person who had treated me horribly in my not-so-long-ago past was sharing engagement photos. I had quite literally held this person’s hand as their spouse left them a few years back. I helped them pack their whole life up and move it. I helped them through three different “emergencies”, dropping everything I was doing to run to their rescue. And then they told a bunch of people that I was a selfish bitch.
To top it all off, this person had lost a bunch of weight and looked REALLY HAPPY.
For some reason, this kicked me straight in the face. Why was I spending so ANY time obsessing about somebody who isn’t even a part of my life? Don’t I deserve to be happy? Don’t I have a life that is worth living? Don’t the people in my life deserve to have me disengage from the internet when I’m physically with them (or video chatting)?
The answer is yes. Absolutely 100% yes.
And not only do I deserve good things and the people who choose to spend time with me deserve to have all of me (not distracted), I know that my endless scrolling is not going to give any of that to me.
So, I HAVE to take baby steps towards this enormous goal or I’ll just talk about it and never go anywhere and then this blog will just be me, whining about breaking rules and never being better.
Nobody wants that.
Positive self talk works a lot better than continuing to tell yourself you’re an idiot/loser/fake news.
I know there are a lot of my friends out there who suffer from depression and anxiety and other stuff you have to carry with you. It’s ok if once in a while, you hear that inner voice tell you that you’re not good enough.
You don’t have to listen.
Take your meds. See your therapist. Stop being Facebook friends with your asshole aunt who does nothing but comment low-key abusive garbage on all of your posts. Don’t try to be friends with that girl who ALWAYS makes you feel bad about yourself. Delete the dating apps and get a dog. Paper your house with pink post-its full of positive reminders so every time you open a kitchen cabinet, you see “YOU ARE THE BOMB” or “YOU ARE SO LOVED” or whatever your happy words of choice are.
It is ok to limit contact (or eliminate it altogether) with your abusive family. It is ok to stop being friends with people who are bad for your mental health. It is ok to let go of belongings that no longer serve you. It is ok to take care of yourself in whatever (healthy) way you can manage.
Do what it takes to remind yourself that the voice inside you is wrong. If you can’t do it yourself, ask for help. I know that asking for help when you’re in “a state” (as my therapist put it) is SO DIFFICULT but you can do it. I know you can.
You can do this.