I punish myself sometimes.
Not in a weird DaVinci Code cat-o-nine-tails kind of way, but just a self-shaming kind of way. I’m just now realizing that a lot of the actions I take towards myself are punishing, rather than loving and I’m trying to change that. It’s a process.
The latest self-flagellating action I’ve noticed is where I’ve been sleeping: I haven’t slept in my own bed in over a month.
We have circumstances that require me to occasionally sleep on the couch, but not every night….like I have been.
I don’t know if it’s laziness or exhaustion at the end of the day or what’s happening. but I’ve been sleeping on the couch. For a month. Like a college student.
And I don’t know why, really. I can get up and down the stairs to my bedroom. My room isn’t scary. Or too hot, or too cold. My bedroom is currently overflowing with a semi-organized purge of clothing I started…oh, maybe THAT’S it.
I’ve been trying to pare down to less clothes. Overflowing closets and drawers do not make for a peaceful sleeping area. Neither does piles of books and so many shoes and purses….it’s a big project and I ran out of time in the middle of it.
And I think avoidance is really what’s happening here, not self-punishment. I guess I don’t want to face the fact I need to finish that project in my bedroom, so I just avoid it.
And sometimes, that’s ok. Just not for a month.